reflection

its funny cause my reflection has changed so greatly. for months id look in the mirror and barely recognize myself. pale skin, straight hair, brown instead of orange, apathetic look plastered on my face. toes buried in my socks and uggs for weeks at a time, never feeling fresh air, only socks and the shower. pink though sat idly on my toe names till February. I waited for it to chip, but nothing happened. the months f solitude in sheep skin let them rest peacefully.

thats kinda what i was like. bundled up in winter clothes, tan faded, smile often faked. i almost felt like a dream some mornings walking to class, eyes on the sidewalk, for fear of tripping on ice. there was nothing anymore to prove it was real. except for the things buried. the punchy pink nail polish, and the things inside of me that told me it was real.

i think i hated them more and more for that. for millions of things additionally. but most, for making it all a dream. like a made it up. because i knew i was right, and it was them forcing this denial through me.

i went back and read some of melissas posts the other day. just to remember through another pair of eyes. sometimes mine see so clearly, i wonder if i miss things and dont even realize it. they dont sound filled with hate and cruelty, but i guess thats cause she hides it well. her true identity, whether it be her cruel side, or her kind side, im not sure, but you never know which one will show up, or which one is real. her reflection was one of denial. we were never friends, she never liked me. thats fine, because at the end of the day, i know im not the delusional one.

im changed in so many ways, small subtle things, that barely anyone by myself would notice. and i love it. no existential crisis, no depression, no panic attacks. just life, set in another city, with another group of friends. i, the constant of the adventure. content, yearning for information, education, music and art. i did have a renaissance. my own. and it didnt die when i came home, it was shaken from the confusion of columbus, but it remained. i continued to read, to laugh, to get angry about things i am passionate about, things i believe it, i thought of philosophy, and history, and how everything is so intricately connected. and now it is mid july. and i am tan, and my hair is orange and curly. and im studying logic and reading books and sitting in the sun till my skin feels so warm. im glad i went, and learned, and changed. i reignited so much inside of me. i grew in places that i hadnt realized were stunted.

im so content with this path. and if losing jayna and melissa, and their constant negativity, and denial had to happen for me to understand, than thats fine. everything takes sacrifice. and im an older person for getting that.

The Low Countries

in Bruges!!!

You Can See My Heart Beating: Last Day in Greece

the insanity of my last full day in Greece. I am approaching the 24 hour mark. I woke up early to stroll through Plaka. I bought myself some presents and some for my loves. I brought my camera and took pictures of all the things i love. The 209, the 4. the road the goes in the middle of the national gardens. the winding streets of Plaka and the cute tourist shops with "Cats of Greece" purses, calenders, shot glasses, hats, shirts, mugs. I swear they sell everything cat related in those shops except real cats. I found myself speaking as much Greek as I could, just to take it all in as much as possible. I spoke more then I normally would in Plaka (its ultra touristy and everyone speaks english there) so of course found myself in the middle of conversations pretending I was a native speaker until some weird question arose like what size? and I was left with just...uh..signoome?
It felt so nice. I found myself telling all the sales people that I was leaving tomorrow. It was all I could think about. How short my time is. How this is my last chance. My last trip to Plaka. It is crazy how well I know the streets of Athens. This big city. This ancient city. It really isnt that big at all. It is filled with small streets and narrow sidewalks. Even Ermou. I know every store, every piece of graffiti on the walls. I can tell you where all the Emma graffiti is around the city. Thissio, Monastraki, Psiri. What was once a maze, is now a clear map in my head. I walk those streets with confidence.

I noticed something after about 2 months of being here that I have never written about. But its something I think about often. Everywhere I've ever lived. The streets I've walked, the roads I've crossed. My eyes have always had a fixation on my feet. I have known amazing people who walk differently. They walk with a bounce in their step. With their chins up. They look straight. And for some reason, I, have always looked down. I never was confident enough. I never wanted to stare at the world. I wanted to look down at the pavement and make sure I didnt trip or fall. I dont know. I just always noticed that some people looked up, but I looked down. I once wrote in a poem,
"gray fleece and eyes set ahead,
yet their glance hits the pavement more
for these skies don't hold the answer."
But Greece has changed me.

For what seems like the first time. I walk with my head up. I forget my feet. I trust my legs to steady any possible fall. And my eyes watch everything. And I smile.

Loss and Gain

I havent written for a while. Winter has come to Athena, and with it, cold and sad realizations about the changing tides. We never expect everything to be the same when we return home, but I guess we never expect things to be so different. I always think about death and how odd it seems. Personal to so many and distant to so many others. When it touches, it stings cold. There is that feeling in the pit of your stomach that there is an ultimate unbalance in the world that can never be fixed.

I have had a few strange weeks here. Preparing for finals, death and sadness, the realization that I am leaving in two days not coming back for a very long time. I feel like part of this coldness has increased this drive in me to return to the places and the people that make me feel ultimate warmth.

I realized I haven't been living in the moment, but anticipating it. It feels weird knowing in a few days I wont be in Diatoma on this couch where I have been so often. And I wont be sitting in my kitchen or on my balcony. Even though I haven't left, part of me already feels foreign, like I am not suppose to be here. Just a visitor stopping by. I guess maybe I am anxious to start moving again. I get antsy to move, to live, to run around as much as possible. Maybe my legs are getting restless and I am ready to go. I am ready to gain.

Milano Cookies (were about the only thing we didn't eat in Milan)

Pizza Pizza Pizza.
I think the three of us really needed a great vacation. Not that there is really much to stress us out about in Athens. In fact there really is nothing stressful here, but you know. We came abroad to travel. To enjoy the European life. and that means that some weekends you have to leave your lovely little apartment in Pangrati and go some place new.

In my case I had been to Milan 6 years ago, but remembered little besides the big boulevards lined with amazing stores and cafes, and the Last Supper. As we drove in I remembered it better but I must admit this time was a whole new experience. It rained as we got into the city and the entire first day. This did not slow us down though. Jaynas shoes got water clogged/ destroyed and her poor feet barely made it through.

We got lost for about an hour trying to find our hotel in the rain Thursday night. Our street was basically impossible to find, the hotel directions were not actually directions and we did not have a map. Eventually we made it though, and realized had we come out another exit of the subway we would have seen the sign for our street immediately. One of the hilarities of Milan.

We stayed in a cool area, a little outside the center of the city but surrounded by restaurants, gelato places, and tons of shopping. Our hotel though, was a little sketchy. Every night we would wake up to crazy yelling/ promiscuous behavior/ possible domestic violence. We did not spend tons of time in the hostel though.

We spent most of our time working our legs or our stomachs. I counted 16 pizzas consumed by the 3 of us in a 3 1/2 day period. I wish I were kidding (actually I dont because they were all amazing). I cannot even explain the amazing pizzas we had. Glorious toppings such as: Prosciutto on a lot of them, buffalo mozzarella, carpaccio, spicy salami, ricotta cheese, shrimp, clams, oysters, calamari and many others. Also i had some amazing gnocchi which is my favorite!

We amazingly went into many stores but did not buy anything. Milan makes me want to have unlimited funds so I can pop into ever designer store (or even just Zara) and buy whatever beautiful things I love. There is so much beauty in Milan it is crazy!

We had a very cultural weekend I would say. Each day we managed to investigate some really cool exhibits and museums. We saw three amazing Da Vinci's, including the incredible Last Supper. My favorite part though was when we saw an exhibit exclusively in Milan of photographs taken by National Geographic photographer Steve McCurry. I noticed signs with his most famous photo around Milan and insisted we find the exhibition. The show featured his most famous photographs and many others from his travels in the Sudo-Est (Italian for Middle East). I cant even begin to explain how amazing they were. It was one of those things where somehow you are just emotionally impacted by something. I left feeling emotionally drained and fulfilled at the same time. It was incredible.

Italy was all riled up for CHRISTMAS!!!! (as Jayna would exclaim) The city was having and LED festival this weekend so the whole city was geared up with lights decorating just about everything. The lights and the fact that it was the first time the three of us had been cold since..um..April really got us in the Christmas mood. We kept quoting Elf, "SANTA!!! I KNOW HIM!"

Another great adventure happened after we ended up getting to the Last Supper a couple of hours too early (Ill save that story for another time but lets just say Jayna and I lack the common sense needed to understand time zones) and in a fit of hunger (I know youre thinking damn youre actually still hungry? but yes we were still hungry) we made our way to a small grocery and got ourselves prosciutto, a straight out of the oven baguette and some ridiculously cheap sun dried tomatoes. and we sat on weird balls in the street and ate our meals. We got some weird looks but we enjoyed it beyond belief.

We returned home Monday to a very messy Athens. The weekend had brought many intense riots. A year ago a 16 year old was shot by Greek police and it spurred two weeks of intense riots that resulted in the kids studying abroad being sent home early. On Sunday, the anniversary, anarchists, youths and radicals of all kinds took to the streets to march against the police. Of course the march escalated quickly as rioters came prepared with Molotov cocktails, firebombs, flares and fireworks and many other make shift weapons. It doesnt help that the garbage workers of Athens are currently on strike so every sidewalk in Athens is lined with TRASH. (it smells really bad seriously). This whole week riots will continue. I was at Syntagma today (the main square and where the riots have been taking place) and you can still smell teargas in the air and due to the lack of people to clean, it looks like the riot just occurred.

I am being a good girl and not going looking for the craziness. Two Arcadians actually got caught in McDonalds during the start of the riot and they said it was terrifying. Especially because a lot of the sentiments are VERY anti-American.

Okay I have to go to class. I am finishing work for the week (I know it is Tuesday) and planning to relax during my last week of classes. Melissas birthday is on Saturday!!! Should be a great week

An Italian Renaissance

I took a class last quarter at OSU about the Italian Renaissance. I think I must have written the word at least 200 times a week. and yet as I sit on my balcony this morning I still didnt think I know how to spell it. Spelling = not my best quality.

I just finished packing for Milan. I like calling in Milano cause it reminds me of Milano cookies and how Jane would bring them in her lunch everyday in high school and if we got lucky she wouldnt want them.

I think everyone back home will be excited to know that I am finally wearing semiwinter clothing. I am in Uggs and a sweater. Im preparing my feet for these new thing called closed toed shoes. They havent been inside a shoe since May so I feel like it may take them some time to adjust.

I feel like a new me, but at the same time, an old me. I feel like I am having my own little Renaissance. It is spectacular. I will update on Monday when I return from the land of Gnocchi, pizza and vino.

Parents Come to Greece!

I am taking a break from finishing up my 5 page paper to do some blogging. Its been a while kids. Ive been a busy girl not on the computer much the past week or so. My parents came last week and it was great.

They arrived last Saturday (or two Saturdays ago) and I had told them I was going to meet them at Syntagma at 11 (thats where the metro from the airport takes you) but I knew that even waking up at 7 am wouldnt stop me from going to the airport to get them. I was too excited and anxious. This is Greece, my country and I wanted to show it to them. and I guess that meant even from the airport to Syntagma. It was so nice, I can even explain. To feel so at home with two people who know me best. To show them these things that I love and these places that excite me. To show them what I have learned. I hadn't planned on skipping out completely on school, but the lack of real class/assignments influenced me to play hooky all week. It was nice to sleep in a comfy hotel bed, watch some tv and talk for days on end to my parents.

We went to Delphi on Sunday and rented a car to drive there. It was hilarious and hectic seeing as Athenian driving is ridiculous (I would say almost on Israels level of insanity, but then mixed with New York traffic). And the only car we could get was a stick shift. But no stalls occurred and we made it to Delphi safely. I couldnt believe how beautiful the area was. Delphi is situated in the ski mountains of Greece. The whole time I kept thinking oh Ben would love it here!! I felt kinda bad him and I hadnt gone when he visited but maybe one day. During the week we explored to our leisure. Athens is such a leisurely city I feel like it would be hard to be a tourist here. Athenians dont have the run run run see as much as possible feel in them. They see the Agora for a half an hour, then sit for coffee for two. I had to teach my parents the Greek way of life that means you sit and relax and talk your time. It is hard to adjust to, I know that well. But it certainly has brought my stress levels down overall.

Life is so calm here and relaxing. and things dont work (ever I may add), but you dont stress. It will be okay. I keep telling myself that.

I cannot believe tomorrow is December. December is going to be the most amazing month in history of my life I think. I can feel it. On Thursday Melissa, Jayna and I jetset for Milan. I was there 6 years ago so dont remember it well but it should be great. The three of us are all really really excited for Italian food. I warned them I may get gnocchi for ever meal. We are trying to figure out taking a day trip to Lack Como too. It is suppose to be absolutely amazing.

Then I get to spend my last few weeks in Athens. We are making a bucketlist of things to do before we leave. So much has to be done!

Finally on the 17th I am flying to Paris and meeting up with my Dad to do the Taylor-Mother-Son/ Father-Daughter journey through Belgium and the Netherlands. Paris, Bruges and Amsterdam are on our itinerary. I then fly home Christmas eve where my mom and may will pick me up from the airport. I am so excited for this month. It is amazing.

Also did you realize the decade is coming to a close? I just realize that. I have lived through my second decade (I dont remember that much of the first) but isnt that cool? I think so anyway.

Food for Thought: Okay remember the movie Godzilla with Matthew Broderick made in like 1998? It makes no sense. Why could Godzilla swim all the way from the French Polynesian islands in the South Pacific all the way to New York City. Honestly it just doesnt make sense. Did he go around the tip of South America? or through the Panama Canal? LA is on the West Coast! that would have made so much more sense. Then again there is nothing like movies that destroy NYC.