reflection

its funny cause my reflection has changed so greatly. for months id look in the mirror and barely recognize myself. pale skin, straight hair, brown instead of orange, apathetic look plastered on my face. toes buried in my socks and uggs for weeks at a time, never feeling fresh air, only socks and the shower. pink though sat idly on my toe names till February. I waited for it to chip, but nothing happened. the months f solitude in sheep skin let them rest peacefully.

thats kinda what i was like. bundled up in winter clothes, tan faded, smile often faked. i almost felt like a dream some mornings walking to class, eyes on the sidewalk, for fear of tripping on ice. there was nothing anymore to prove it was real. except for the things buried. the punchy pink nail polish, and the things inside of me that told me it was real.

i think i hated them more and more for that. for millions of things additionally. but most, for making it all a dream. like a made it up. because i knew i was right, and it was them forcing this denial through me.

i went back and read some of melissas posts the other day. just to remember through another pair of eyes. sometimes mine see so clearly, i wonder if i miss things and dont even realize it. they dont sound filled with hate and cruelty, but i guess thats cause she hides it well. her true identity, whether it be her cruel side, or her kind side, im not sure, but you never know which one will show up, or which one is real. her reflection was one of denial. we were never friends, she never liked me. thats fine, because at the end of the day, i know im not the delusional one.

im changed in so many ways, small subtle things, that barely anyone by myself would notice. and i love it. no existential crisis, no depression, no panic attacks. just life, set in another city, with another group of friends. i, the constant of the adventure. content, yearning for information, education, music and art. i did have a renaissance. my own. and it didnt die when i came home, it was shaken from the confusion of columbus, but it remained. i continued to read, to laugh, to get angry about things i am passionate about, things i believe it, i thought of philosophy, and history, and how everything is so intricately connected. and now it is mid july. and i am tan, and my hair is orange and curly. and im studying logic and reading books and sitting in the sun till my skin feels so warm. im glad i went, and learned, and changed. i reignited so much inside of me. i grew in places that i hadnt realized were stunted.

im so content with this path. and if losing jayna and melissa, and their constant negativity, and denial had to happen for me to understand, than thats fine. everything takes sacrifice. and im an older person for getting that.