Loss and Gain

I havent written for a while. Winter has come to Athena, and with it, cold and sad realizations about the changing tides. We never expect everything to be the same when we return home, but I guess we never expect things to be so different. I always think about death and how odd it seems. Personal to so many and distant to so many others. When it touches, it stings cold. There is that feeling in the pit of your stomach that there is an ultimate unbalance in the world that can never be fixed.

I have had a few strange weeks here. Preparing for finals, death and sadness, the realization that I am leaving in two days not coming back for a very long time. I feel like part of this coldness has increased this drive in me to return to the places and the people that make me feel ultimate warmth.

I realized I haven't been living in the moment, but anticipating it. It feels weird knowing in a few days I wont be in Diatoma on this couch where I have been so often. And I wont be sitting in my kitchen or on my balcony. Even though I haven't left, part of me already feels foreign, like I am not suppose to be here. Just a visitor stopping by. I guess maybe I am anxious to start moving again. I get antsy to move, to live, to run around as much as possible. Maybe my legs are getting restless and I am ready to go. I am ready to gain.